Archive | February 2016

Relationships: Should We Expect Our Friends To Accept Us If We Change?

download (3)When one has a friend who they connect with, it is going to come down to the fact that they enjoy being in their company. This doesn’t mean that they are ‘perfect’, but they are going to be ‘perfect’ for them.

If one was to take a closer look at why they enjoy being in their company, they may start to think about how they have certain things in common and they may have a similar outlook when it comes to different parts of their life. In this sense, what they have in common plays an important role in their friendship.

However, this doesn’t mean that they always agree or that they enjoy doing the same things. So while there are likely to be differences; what they have in common will be part of what allows them to maintain the connection they have.

Childhood Friends

One may have maintained a close relationship to people they have known since their childhood years, and they may say that old friends are the best friends.

As a result of this, not only will they have things in common and a similar outlook, they will also have shared many experiences over the years. This may cause one to see them as being part of their family as opposed to simply being friends.

An Instant Connection

Yet, to say that it takes years to develop a strong connection would be far from accurate, and this is because this is something that can happen in a relatively short time. One can spend their time with someone for a few minutes and soon come to the conclusion that the other person would be a good friend to have.

How the other person presents themselves is likely to have been a big part of why they appreciate them. They might also sense that the person they are talking to is someone they will get on with.

Two Levels

On one level then, there is how the other person comes across and this gives their mind something to work with, and on another, they can just feel connected to the other person without understanding why. Their mind can then have no idea why this is, but their body can have a greater understanding of what is occurring,

While the mind is looking for physical evidence, the body can pick up information about the other person at an energetic level. Therefore, it can take a little while for the mind to pick up on what the body already knows.

Old Friendships

If one has been friends with someone since their early years, it may be a sign that they haven’t changed much. Or if they have changed, it might also mean that their friend has also changed; it has then been possible for them to grow and for their friendship to remain.

One may also be in a position where they are no longer close to the people they were friends with during their early years. And while they may no longer live in the same area as them, this might not be the case.

Grown Apart

They may speak to them from time to time, but this could be about as far as their friendship goes. This could be because they are no longer the same person or it could be down to the fact that they have stayed the same and the people around them haven’t.

The friends they now have in their life are going to be people they have met during their adult years. But if they have a close connection to them, they may feel as though they have known them their whole life.

Change

If one was to change, they may find that the people they are closest to are supportive, and that they end up feeling even closer to them than they did before. When this happens, their life is likely to be a lot easier.

Through the changes they make, they may serve as a catalyst to others, and this means the people around them will be given the engorgement they need to change. In this case, not only will one benefit, the people around them will also benefit.

Resistance

Although the above may take place, there is also the chance that this won’t happen, and this means that the people around them will show their disapproval. Or if this is not how all of their friends respond, they may have at least one person who does respond in this way.

When this happens, they might end up feeling betrayed and as though their friend should accept them even though they have changed. And as the other person is someone they are close to, this could be seen as a perfectly normal response to have.

Conditional

However, what this shows is that the other person only accepted them while they were acting in a certain way, and now that they have changed, they no longer meet the other person’s conditions. This doesn’t mean the other person has thought about his consciously, as they might just start to feel uncomfortable around them.

The changes one has made might be ‘negative’, but then again, they may remind them of something they don’t want to face within themselves. Either way, it is not longer possible for them to show one the same level of acceptance that they showed them before.

Unconditional

Having friends who are unconditional may sound like the ideal scenario, but as adults we have things we accept and things we don’t accept. To be accepted unconditionally is something that can take place during one’s childhood years, and yet to expect this as an adult is only going to set one up to suffer unnecessarily.

For example: if one was friends with someone who started behave in a destructive way, for instance, they may no longer accept them. In order for one to look after their own wellbeing, it is not going to be possible for one to accept them unconditionally.

Awareness

To accept or to love someone unconditionally can sound like the ideal, but in reality, it is not possible. The acceptance human beings have for each other is based on certain conditions being fulfilled.

This is the only way for them to protect themselves and not only that, there may be times where it is important for them to withdraw their acceptance. Through doing this, it may encourage another person to stop doing something destructive.

If one does change and they experience a strong emotional reaction due to not being accepted unconditionally, it may be a sign that they have emotional work to do. The pain that arises may relate to unmet childhood needs, and these will need to be mourned.

The assistance of a therapist and/or a support group may be needed here.

Prolific writer, thought leader and coach, Oliver JR Cooper hails from the United Kingdom. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation; love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With over seven hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice. Current projects include “A Dialogue With The Heart” and “Communication Made Easy.”

 

Relationships: Why Do Some People Shame Others For Being Vulnerable?

imagesWhile there are some people who embrace their inherent vulnerability, there are others who do everything they can to come across as invulnerable. This is not to say that these are the only options available, as there are likely to be people who alternate between the two.

There will then be moments where they will be able to be authentic and moments where they will cover up how they truly feel. How they behave can all depend how they feel, who they are with and what the context is.

Connection

When someone doesn’t feel the need to hide what is really going on for them, it will allow other people to feel connected to them. This is because they will be able to relate to them, and this may also encourage them to open up.

Through this, one’s need to experience intimacy will also be fulfilled and their relationships are going to be more fulfilling as a result. It will be important for one to share what is going on for them with the right people though.

Trust

If one has come to see that they can trust someone, it will be easier for them to open up and this is because they will feel safe. And while this doesn’t mean that one can’t show up in everyday life, there are going to be certain things that they will only want to share with the right people.

The people they open up to are also likely to be people who share their life with them. This will stop the relationship from being out of balance and it will enable real intimacy to take place.

Intimacy

When the word ‘intimacy’ is mentioned, it can cause people to think about sex. However, while sex can be part of intimacy, there is a lot more to intimacy than sex, and this means that one can be intimate without having sex.

Ultimately, it comes down to one sharing who they really are and what is really taking place for them, and when this happens, one is being vulnerable. They don’t need to share their body with someone; they only need to share their inner world with them.

Friends and Family

This is why intimacy can take place with one’s friends and family and not just with their life partner or lover, for instance. To experience intimacy with a number of people will be far more fulfilling than it will be to just experience it with one person.

It could be said that there is more chance of one being intimate with their friends than there is with their family, and this is because they can choose their friends. It might not be possible for them to open up when it comes to their family, but they should be able to when it comes to their friends.

Reality

However, one may find that it is not possible for them to be real when it comes to the people in their life. Or if this is not something that relates to everyone, it may relate to one person in their life.

During those moments when they do share what is going on for them, they might end up being put down in some way. They can then hide how they feel and put on an act or they can be real and end up being mentally and emotionally violated in the process

Two Reasons

The reason one is experiencing this could be because they don’t value themselves, and this is then why they put up with this kind of behaviour. Yet, there is also the chance that they have only just started to have these experiences and this may be a sign that they have changed.

In the past, they may have hidden their true feelings, and now that they have changed, it is causing the other person to feel uncomfortable. If one was to act invulnerable and to cover up their true-self, the other person is likely to return to how they behaved before.

Negative Effect

Regardless of whether the other person has always been this way or if they have suddenly changed, it shows that one’s vulnerability is having a ‘negative’ effect on them. It might be possible for them to understand why this is, but then again, they might not know why they feel they the way they do.

Shaming other people for being vulnerable is then a way for them to manage what is taking place within them. Therefore, the problem is not that other people are vulnerable; it is that their vulnerability triggers something within them that they don’t want to face.

A Deep Wound

There is a strong chance that they were also shamed for being vulnerable at one point in their life. And because of how painful this was for them, they feel the need to do everything they can to hide their vulnerability from others.

They are going to believe that it is not safe for them to be vulnerable, and this is why they may have developed a hard shell around themselves. If they were wounded during their childhood years, for instance, they might not even realise that they are out of touch with their vulnerability, and therefore, their true-self.

Normal

In is then how they have been for many, many years and it is then going to be normal for them to believe that this is who they really are. In order for them to embrace their true-self, they will need to change their outlook.

Awareness

This can take place through changing what is taking place in their mind, but if this doesn’t work, this may mean that they need to take a look at what is taking place at a deeper level. These early experiences may have caused them to experience a lot of emotional pain and this pain may have stayed trapped in their body.

The pain that has remained trapped in their body can be processed with assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.

Prolific writer, thought leader and coach, Oliver JR Cooper hails from the United Kingdom. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation; love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With over seven hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice. Current projects include “A Dialogue With The Heart” and “Communication Made Easy.”

 

Best Practices to Balance Your Relationship and Your Business

download (1)I spent a good part of my life teaching English to Second Language Learners, schooling them in reading, writing, and how to speak English. I also devoted long hours outside the classroom supporting these same students on how to successfully maneuver the trials and tribulations around life issues that caused them deep struggle and emotional upheaval in their family unit.

At the time, I did not realize this would not be a lifetime career for me. Instead, another door opened where I would serve couples, particularly women struggling to survive in their broken relationships and often times on the verge of divorce.

I became an entrepreneur, ready to make a difference, passionate in saving committed long- term relationships, bringing out the best in the couples I coach.

What I didn’t think about was the long hours that it would take to pursue a successful business and how it would interfere with my personal time with my husband. I also had no idea that there would be a considerable learning curve involved in bringing a business up to speed in order to become a successful entrepreneur.

One thing I have learned, entrepreneurs have to be patient. Overnight success happens to a few people, but the majority of entrepreneurs must be willing to put in long hours on their journey to the top.

Realistically speaking, making it as an entrepreneur is stressful and it is normal to live through tough times; especially when it strains the survival of your relationship due to financial goals not immediately being met.

For those of us in a long-term relationship, you need to be creative in finding ways to show your partner that they are still appreciated. You can set aside time for a quick date, such as a 30 minute walk, or catching a bite to eat together. You can build a business and have a loving relationship if you make the most of the time you have together.

Don’t leave your partner out of your business. When you are writing blog articles, copy for sales pages, or new content for your website, ask for a second opinion by sharing the work you have produced. Getting another’s point of view is an excellent way to get that person involved in your business, helping you to produce more quality content and at the same time making your partner feel valued.

Take the time to ask your better half about how their workday turned out. What were the highs and lows of the day? This action demonstrates that your business is not the only important focus in your life. Share with each other how things are going when you are apart.

Communicating what you are feeling will help you both to understand and appreciate each other more. This will bring you closer together and increase the desire to support each other’s successes.

 

This entry was posted on February 7, 2016.

Relationships: Why Do Some Women Fear Intimacy?

downloadEven though a woman wants to be in an intimate relationship, it doesn’t mean that this takes place. However, while there will be some women who realise that this is because they fear intimacy, there are going to be others who are unaware of why they are unable to experience it.

In the first case, they may believe that it is because of what is taking place within them, and in the other case, they may believe that it’s because of what is taking place externally. If they believe that is relates to what is taking place within them, it is likely to be more empowering than if they were to believe it is because of what is taking place externally.

Hopeless

However, if these two scenarios are put to one side for the time being, it is going to be incredibly frustrating to live life in this way, and they are likely to end up feeling hopeless. On one side, they have the need to be intimate, and on the other, this need is not being fulfilled.

This doesn’t mean they won’t have close friends or have moments when they do experience intimacy with the sex that they are sexually attracted to. But what it is likely to mean is that this is not going to be an experience that is going to last and the intimacy that they experience with their friends is not going to be enough.

Unavailable

If one is aware of their fear of intimacy, it is not going to be much of a surprise if they attract someone who is unavailable. They will know that they are a reflection of them, and there is then going to be less chance of them blaming the other person.

When one is not aware of their fear of intimacy, it can be even harder for them to handle another person who is unavailable. This can then be taken as another sign that they are never going to have what they need and they can feel as though the world is against them.

Available

Yet, this is not to say that they won’t attract people who are available; but when this happens, there are going to be other reasons why they are not ‘compatible’. They may say that they are not their type or they may meet them whilst they are on holiday, for instance.

In this case, they are a good match but they live too far away, and while they may be happy to travel to see them, it is not going to match up with what they need. Having said that, there is also the chance that the distance is not a problem and this may be what feels comfortable, at least for a while.

Short-Lived

As they look back on their life, they may see that they have been in a number of intimate relationships. If they take a closer look, they may see that these relationships lasted for a certain amount of time and there may have been a pattern when it comes to why they came to an end.

Perhaps they felt as though the other person wasn’t a suitable or that they changed their mind and no longer wanted to settle down. The other person may have started to pull away just as their relationship was starting to go in the right direction.

Dating

Through being in an intimate relationship and having what they say they want, they may find it hard to understand why part of them wants to go with others. In the beginning, they say they want one thing, and after getting what they want, they say they want the complete opposite.

This doesn’t mean they will leave the relationships though, as it could cause them to hold onto their relationship and to go with others at the same time. When this happens, their need to expedience security is being fulfilled on the one side and their need to experience ‘freedom’ is being fulfilled on the other.

The Story

There is takes place in the external world and there is what occurs in one’s mind and the feelings they experience in their body. Each of these factors is often seen as what makes up the story of one’s life.

The reason the word ‘story’ is used is because one’s life is not fixed; it doesn’t have to be the way it is. Yet, in order for one’s life to change, it will be important for them to change.

A Deeper Level

So whether one is aware of their fear of intimacy or not, there is going to be a reason why they stop themselves from experiencing it. At a deeper level, they are not going to feel safe with intimacy, and until they feel that it is safe for them to experience intimacy, they are not going to allow themselves to truly experience it.

There is likely to have been a time in their life where their boundaries were not respected and this would have caused them to be smothered, and if they were not smothered, they may have been neglected and this would have caused them to feel abandoned. As a result of this, getting close to another person will be seen as something that will cause them to lose themselves or for their life to end.

The Years Go By

This is something they may have experienced during their beginning of their life and although the years may have passed, it is still defining their life. Intellectually, they might not remember what happened, but their body still remembers and this is all that matters.

Childhood

What they were aware of during their childhood years may have become what they have no awareness of during their adult years. During this time, being smothered would have been overwhelming, and as one couldn’t protect themselves they may have felt as though they were being annihilated.

Being abandoned at this time would have felt as though one was going to die, and this is because they would have had the ability to regulate their emotions. Through having these kinds of experiences, it is going to be normal for them to fear intimacy.

Awareness

To move beyond this challenge, it will be important for one to look at what is taking place within them and let go of the past that has remained within them. This may involve changing beliefs and mourning unmet childhood needs, among other things.

The assistance of a therapist and/or some kind of support group may be needed here. What matters here is that one reaches out for support and doesn’t suffer in silence.

Prolific writer, thought leader and coach, Oliver JR Cooper hails from the United Kingdom. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation; love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With over seven hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice. Current projects include “A Dialogue With The Heart” and “Communication Made Easy.”

 

This entry was posted on February 1, 2016 and tagged .