Archive | April 2016

Relationships: Why Are People Who Act Superior Attracted To People Who Act Inferior?

download (8)In a relationship were each person is at the same level, one person is not going to see themselves as being above the other. This is not to say that each person is at the same level materially, for instance, but this is not going to affect the amount of respect they have for each other.

Abuse

As a result of this, this is not going to be a relationship were any kind of abuse takes place. If one person is not doing very well in a certain area of their life or if they are going through a bad patch, they are not going to be looked down upon.

The other person may ask them if they can do anything to help or simply be there to listen to them. Through this, they are not placing themselves above the other person; they are just being present.

Alternatively

If one person’s life is on the rise or they have recently achieved something significant, there will be no need for the other person to place them on a pedestal. Even if this causes them to experience jealousy or to reflect on their own life for a short time, the whole dynamic of the relationship won’t need to alter.

What this will come down to is that each person is on their own path and no matter what they are going through at any given moment, they have both come into the world in the same way and they will go out in the same way. In each moment, one person may come across as superior or inferior but this is simply the result of the minds tendency to label what it sees.

Inner Experience

And while this is what can happen externally, their internal world is also likely to match up. This is not to say that they won’t have moments where they feel superior or inferior; what it means it that they are not going to identify with these inner states.

So if one’s friend is going through a ‘bad’ patch, for instance, they are not going to view the other person as incapable. And if one’s friend is going through a ‘good’ patch, for instance, they are not going to come to the conclusion that the other person is better than them.

Conscious Relationship

Another way of looking at this would be to say that this is what can happen when two people have a conscious relationship. And as has been mentioned above, feelings of superiority and inferiority may arise, but the difference is that each person is not going to allow these feelings to define what happens in their relationship.

It would be easy to say that such feelings don’t arise in a relationship where two people are ‘conscious’, but then this would create the idea that human beings can be perfect. The difference here is that each person will be open to what arises on one hand and willing to work through what arises on the other.

Out of Touch

However, when one is not aware of what is taking place within them, they can end up being attracted to people who act as though they are inferior. Yet, if one is in touch with what is taking place within then, they can end up being attracted to people who act as though they are superior.

This is because if one feels inferior, they can either go to the opposite extreme or they can end up being overwhelmed by how they feel. When one goes to the other end of the spectrum, they are likely to come across as though they are better than others, and if they get caught up in how they feel, they can come across as though they are less-than others.

The Attraction

If one feels superior to others, they are going to feel the need to have people around them who feel inferior as this will validate their sense of superiority. In this case, the people around them will give them the kind of feedback they desire.

When one feels inferior, they are going to be drawn to people who act superior and this is because they will validate how they see themselves. The people they have in their life will treat them in a way that matches up with their self-image.

The Same Level

However, appearances are deceiving, and while each person appears to be in a different position, they are both coming from the same place at a deeper level. The person who feels superior is attracted to the person who feels inferior because they remind them of what they have disconnected from.

Whereas, the person who feels inferior looks up to the person who feels superior because it gives them someone to identify with, and through this, they are able to experience a sense of worth. Yet, all the time the relationship stays the same, it is not going to be possible for them to realise their value and for the other person to come back down to earth.

Stuck

So unless each person is willing to not only face how they feel but to work through it, they will continue to play out the same dynamic. When one has the need to act superior or comes across as inferior, it is likely to mean that they are carrying toxic shame.

This is not an inner experience that is easy to face, and this is why one can end up doing everything they can to avoid it. When this takes place, it is normal for one to come across as though they are more-than human.

Awareness

In order for one move beyond this, it will be important for them to get in touch with how they feel and to work through it. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or support group.

Prolific writer, thought leader and coach, Oliver JR Cooper hails from the United Kingdom. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation; love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With over seven hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice. Current projects include “A Dialogue With The Heart” and “Communication Made Easy.”

 

Relationships: Is It Important To Take Responsibility For How We Feel?

images (3)If one was to think about someone they appreciate, there is a strong chance that they will end up feeling ‘good’. Yet, if they were to think about someone who presses their buttons, for instance, they are unlikely to have the same emotional experience.

And when they feel good, there is not much chance of them wanting to blame the other person for how they feel. However, this is not necessarily going to be the case when it comes to the emotional experience they have when they don’t feel this way.

Pleasure Seekers

Human beings want to feel good, and as a result of this, they will often go out of their way to experience pleasure. So when one spends their time around someone who they enjoy being around, they are not going to tell the other person to change their behaviour.

This may happen if they were to change and one no longer felt the same way around them. But in most cases, they are not going to have the need to tell the other person to ‘stop making me feel this way’.

On The Other Side

If, on the other hand, someone doesn’t feel ‘good’ when they are around someone, they may end up blaming them for how they feel. This can relate to someone they spend a lot of time with or it may relate to someone they see on the odd occasion.

How they feel when they are around them has then got nothing to do with them, and it can then be normal for them to see the other person as the cause. What is going in within them is then irrelevant, and there is no need for them to engage in any kind of self-reflection.

Validation

One way for them to gain support for their outlook and to prove that how they feel has nothing to do with them, is to gain support from others. These people can then validate what is taking place and tell them that it has nothing to do with them.

As a result of this support, there is then no reason for them to take responsibility for how they feel. But while they may get to be ‘right’, it is not going to give them the chance to see if they are playing a part in what is happening.

Another Perspective

However, there is always the chance that they will come across someone who responds to them in a different way. When this happens, they may encourage them to go inside and to see why they feel as they do.

And if they were to do this, they may start to understand why they feel as they do when they are around the other person. This is not to say that how they feel is ‘wrong’, but it will give them a chance to take responsibility for how they feel.

Disconnected

When someone is in touch with their thoughts and emotions, it will make it easier for them to see why they feel the way they do. If they don’t have this connection, their emotions may appear to be the result of what is taking place externally.

It is then not going to be possible for them to see if what is taking place within them is playing a part in how they feel. Their attention will be placed on what someone else has said or done.

Two Parts

And while it is important to look into what is taking place on the outside, it is also important to look into what is take place on the inside. If one only looks at what is taking place externally, they will end up feeling like a victim.

Yet, if they only look at what is taking place within them and don’t reflect on what is taking place on the outside, they will also be out of balance. Instead of being in a position they are avoiding responsibility, they will be in a position where they are taking too much responsibility.

Responsibility

For example: if one feels angry, they could blame the other person or they could take their time to think about why they feel as they do. And instead of telling the other person that they make them feel angry, they can say they feel angry when they do or say something.

The first approach is likely to make the other person defensive, and if this happens on a regular basis, they may start to experience resentment. The other person may continue to be there physically, but they may start to emotionally disconnect from them.

The Second Approach

When they take the second approach, there is less chance of the other person being defensive. This is because one is not blaming them for how they feel; they are simply pointing out how they feel when something takes place.

There is then no need for the other person to experience resentment and it will be easier for them to maintain their emotional connection. In order for one to take this approach they will need to be in touch with how they feel and to own their emotional experience.

Growth

Through taking responsibility for how they feel as opposed to blaming others, it will give them the chance to grow and to work through the problems they have with others. Blaming others may allow then to feel better in the short-term, but it won’t allow them to grow and it is likely to have a negative effect on their relationships.

Awareness

It one finds it difficult to own their emotional experience, this may be a sign that they haven’t developed boundaries and that they have an emotional build-up. Through letting go of their emotional build up, they will start to develop a sense of self.

They will then be able to see where they begin and end and where other people begin and end. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.

Prolific writer, thought leader and coach, Oliver JR Cooper hails from the United Kingdom. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation; love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With over seven hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice. Current projects include “A Dialogue With The Heart” and “Communication Made Easy.”

 

Befuddlement and Confusion

download (11)Right when it seems that everything is on the right track traveling down the river of life at a safe but progressive speed, befuddlement and confusion tend to enter the drift. It may be a sudden decision that arises seemingly without warning, a change in the current upon which a family flows, or simply an idiosyncrasy of the moment. Some heal or adjust course almost immediately, others wait for the rapids, and some just never get with the same direction again, selecting a dead-end, no end channel to nowhere. Each brings change and challenge, growth and development of the individual’s heart and soul.

A sudden decision can toss befuddlement into the scene. My nephew recently exited an unhappy marriage. Although he is my nephew and so my prejudice may be obvious, it seemed like his ex-wife just did not enjoy the thrill and excitement of trying new things, going new places, and meeting new horizons. She definitely did not like her current life. And so after several years of attempting love, she left, moving back to her home state, taking the children, and leaving him his military career. Fortunately, he landed on both feet, resumed the best track for his long-term Marine commitment, and soon met a lovely woman with whom to share his life. Some family members were left in befuddlement and confusion over his seemingly quick decision and remarriage, but I only saw joy on his face and that of his new wife along with the smiles of his and her children. Advice would have pounded him from fifty directions if he had waited and asked, instead he chose his own path and we are now quite happy.

Sometimes the current upon which the family floats hits rough currents that jostle the group left and right. Another nephew who is a dedicated father and husband was tragically left when his wife chose her fully fit body and newfound friends over marital bliss. This exit includes her son, her dog, her home, many of her possessions along with her husband for dating, drinking, and finding herself. While I wish her luck, I am saddened by her extreme choice leaving the rest of us in astonishment and confusion. Just when we really thought we knew her, she became the unknown, taking a side tour while we flowed with the current. Fortunately again, my nephew is getting both feet underneath himself again as he recognizes the love and comfort his family extends. Why do truly nice people end up in such horrendous situations?

And then there is idiosyncratic behavior, that which defies understanding as it lacks logic and realism. Off of my nephews and onto a friend’s decisions that cause me to wonder. I helped her through the loss of her first husband, a kind man that I really did not know well. When she remarried it was at my house with my husband and I as witnesses. Her second husband was a longtime friend and so the four of us had a very comfortable relationship. Their marriage was brief as he died of lung cancer, but I was there in love and support. Imagine my surprise when I hear through the community grapevine that she has remarried (and why not) but I have never heard a word, even after several months, about this marital change or any of the other changes she has made. I wish her happiness and do not begrudge her status in any way, it just seems idiosyncratic with friendship. I am both befuddled and confused.

While all of these situations bring befuddlement and confusion, I also welcome the opportunity for change and challenge, growth and development. I have learned about adaptation and altering one’s route, making a break for a new life while true friends and family pick up the pieces and realign them with love, and I have had a wondrous study in friendship, stability, and revision of outlook and goals. Each of these produces an enriched mind and a degree of goodness as I refocus, rethink, and rearrange my life. I guess being befuddled and confused has many rewarding points.

 

This entry was posted on April 10, 2016.

Every Man’s Birthday Wish

images (2)ASKING God, “What shall I write?” is a question anticipating an answer. It doesn’t take long to come.

On my birthday I ask this and this is the inspiration I’m given: “Write to those you love, and who love you.”

So, it’s a letter… a letter titled, EVERY MAN’S BIRTHDAY WISH:

Oh dear family, friends and neighbours all over the world,

I am grateful for the relationship God has blessed me to have with you. Thinking of you now makes my heart glad and my soul rejoice. I know we have occasionally not seen eye to eye, but look at us now; we survived. And still because of the times we couldn’t agree, look at the trust that we, together, nurtured as a result. I thank God for the intimacy between us, even if it sometimes seems I’m not close to you.

To my daughters, I have always feared dying without telling you how I feel about you. On my birthday I’m mindful I have the perfect opportunity for a fresh instalment. I know you have your own lives now, so I’m so grateful for the time we do get, even if you’re all grown up. I’m so proud of the adult persons you’ve become. My most earnest wish is that you would find the meaning of life in God, and Jesus Christ as your personal Saviour. But that journey is yours to travel and to decide upon. I go to heaven knowing I’m doing all I can to show you Christ in and through my life – a perfectly imperfect representation of the virtuous life. Continue being happy, work in the work you like, that which brings you alive, and give yourself to your whole life – most importantly to the people you love, and the people God has placed into your life. Know that you are beautiful beyond compare from within, and prettiness you have in such abundance from without.

To my wife, you know that you are God’s choice for me. God knows I need you. Neither of us are perfect, nor are we perfect companions all the time, but there’s nothing I cannot share with you, and there’s nothing I would withhold from you. We each have our gifts that God has bestowed on us. I’m so thankful that yours are complementary to mine as mine are to yours. You sate my senses and my soul delights in you alone.

To my son, I cannot take for granted even one day of this life. If I were to pass into the realm of God right now you wouldn’t have a memory of me other than what we have managed to record. Like your sisters, I only hope you come to be a person of God someday. I love your intensity and enthusiasm. I thank God for your little body and growing heart and mind. Every minute I spend with you is amongst the most precious moments of my whole life!

To all others, especially those who I’ve been working with; I really appreciate the opportunities God has given me to work with you by getting to know and support you. I love to be doing God’s interpersonal and spiritual work, so thank you that you are part of my joy!

 

This entry was posted on April 4, 2016 and tagged .