Archive | May 2016

Turn an Unhealthy Relationship Into a Healthy Relationship – 3 Easy Tips

download (12)How to Turn an Unhealthy Relationship Into a Healthy Relationship

Falling in love feels like soaring with eagles, but an unhealthy relationship can bring you crashing to the ground. We’ve all been there a time or two. In the beginning, you love each other so much that the whole world glimmers and glows. But this perfection soon gives way to ups and downs, even in a healthy relationship.

Sadly, many couples break up as that romantic high wears off, leaving them with the reality of real love. They let normal relationship issues tear them apart rather than bring them closer together. Obviously, a healthy relationship can’t develop without two people determined to stay together.

There’s no way around the truth: Relationships require work. No two people are alike, and sometimes differences create painful misunderstandings. Moreover, people make mistakes. No matter how good the intentions, both partners in a relationship will mess up from time to time. If you want to turn an unhealthy relationship into a healthy relationship, prepare to face these realities.

The tips below will show you how to rekindle love and turn a bad relationship around; but you don’t have to wait until after a break up. Start early. As soon as relationship issues pop up, tackle them head on. The trick is to fix a broken relationship, before it breaks you.

How to Turn an Unhealthy Relationship Into a Healthy Relationship

1. Stop rehashing the past.

It’s important to discuss the issues in your relationship, but that doesn’t mean bringing up the past in every argument. In order to grow as a couple, especially after a break up or communication break down, you must forgive each other. Of course, forgiveness doesn’t come easily; but you must decide, once and for all, whether to let the past go or let the relationship go.

If you spent any time broken up with your love, you know how hard it is to be apart. So, prepare to move forward. That means, no more trying to make your partner feel guilty about past mistakes. Don’t bring up the past when having a disagreement about the present, and don’t use the past to justify your current feelings or behaviors. There’s no way to turn an unhealthy relationship into a healthy relationship while holding on to old resentments. The festering anger and constant rehashing the past will lead to bitterness, bad arguments, and a dismal future. Don’t let the past ruin your future. You can create new, better memories together; but only if both partners willingly forgive the past.

2. Deal with the real relationship issues.

Forgiving the past does not mean ignoring relationship issues. Unhealthy relationships often come from inattention to underlying problems. In the past, you may have argued over everything without really fixing anything. Or you may have dealt with the symptoms of relationship issues rather than digging up the root cause.

For example, if everything blew up after one of you was unfaithful, the focus may land squarely on that single act of betrayal. Cheating is horrible and inexcusable, but there is almost always a problem beneath the surface. Were you feeling vengeful, unfulfilled, or insecure? Did your partner feel ignored, unloved, or neglected? Had your relationship become too mundane or boring? Did you miscommunicate your desires? Is your partner not ready for total commitment? Sometimes it is difficult for couples to discover all the underlying issues, so don’t hesitate to bring in a neutral third party. That might mean going to couples counseling or using online relationship repair sources.

Once you understand the root cause, you can clearly see if it is fixable. If so, develop a solid plan to prevent break up and breakdown of your love. Make sure you both agree on this solution, since it takes two committed partners to turn an unhealthy relationship into a healthy one.

3. Give your all. Don’t hold back.

Some couples feel insecure when rekindling love after break up or breakdown. It’s tempting to hold back, just in case things go wrong again. But this approach sets you up for failure. Try to find comfort in the fact that your partner chose to work things out with you, even though it might be easier to give up on the unhealthy relationship.

Many couples just break up rather than fix a broken relationship. Instead you’re working to build a healthy relationship. That makes your love special. Use this knowledge to bolster feelings of security, so you can give your all in the relationship.

Don’t hold back out of fear or distrust. Don’t put your love on probation while you wait for something else to go wrong. Set your mind on healing the relationship rift, loving each other more completely, and creating happy memories together. You wouldn’t take time to read about how to turn an unhealthy relationship into a healthy relationship if you didn’t love your mate enough to try.

When relationship issues arise (and they will), remember that it takes more work to stay in love than to fall in love. Also, remember that it is worth it. True love lasts because two people refuse to give up on a love that’s worth fighting for. Best wishes and a happier relationship to you!

 

This entry was posted on May 26, 2016.

Charging Ahead With Your Head When Your Heart Lags Behind

download (10)TEMERITY of life is always taxing. The audacity of God to plunge us into situations that would have us scramble for a response that might work. And so patient is our Lord that he bears us every minute until we suddenly and finally realise “this is not working.” Oh, there will be many of those revelations! And they gut us and tire us…

A friend reminded me of the story where Jesus appeared to the disciples after the resurrection (John 21). They were frustrated in having fished all night without getting a single fish. Ahead of them, there Jesus stood, on the beach, as they returned. He asked them what they had caught, knowing they had caught nothing. He was calm; they were spent, physically and emotionally. Jesus simply said, literally, “Cast your net to the right side of the boat and you will find fish.” Interesting that he said “right (Greek: dexia) side” and “you will find” fish. It illustrates two important points.

“Cast your net to the RIGHT SIDE of the boat and you will FIND… “

In particular relation to forgiveness, when we cast our nets, looking for a catch of healing, we often cast them to the wrong side for a while. And we catch nothing but more anger and resentment. Our nets are our capacity to resolve the crisis that has swarmed into and commandeered our lives. Our casting is our effort. Our nets are designed to help us get through. Our casting merely needs to be directed in the right direction; in the right place – there we will find what we have been looking for for a long time now.

But to cast our nets out in faith seems an oblivious event. We have cast all night, and only into despair. It’s not working and our faith has failed us. In exasperation, only then are we prepared to try something new.

And still the Lord whispers, “Cast on the other side… then, you will find.”

The side we are least likely to try and cast our net to is the side where we have to throw our whole being into forgiveness. It is always horrid to forgive – that’s how it feels as we start out. To throw our whole being into charging ahead with our head when our heart lags behind seems mad. But it is a faith personified, where faith that isn’t personified is no faith at all. Faith requires us, in body, in mind, in soul; our entire being.

Jesus commends us to get into forgiveness, boots and all. Jesus commends us to a radical forgiveness; actions of which nobody could beforehand predict might happen. Jesus commends us to lock the door of resentment and throw away the key so we may never ever go in there again.

Cast your net to the right side, and there you will find your catch!

 

This entry was posted on May 15, 2016 and tagged .

Taking Wisely the Counsel of the Years

download (9)IMPORTANCE is relative. The counsel of the years tells us that what we think is worth getting upset over now we will probably laugh about in a decade. Yet those things that might concern us a decade from now, as we look at them now, confuse us as to exactly how to handle them.

The counsel of the years speaks into our speaking – we say too many things that are false, ill-considered, unguarded, and panicked by comparison to the calm deliberation the years give us.

The counsel of the years gives us perspective regarding our hurts. Those betrayals we must bear, those where it is one person’s perspective versus another’s, are the betrayals that will betray our sensibilities for reason. But it takes a few years of contemplation to arrive at the fuller maturity of truth.

The counsel of the years provides reason to exercise grace whenever we can. We begin to see that everyone – in general terms – is trying their level best. The only ones who aren’t are those who aren’t trying at all. With people who are committed to their worldview they will rarely be convinced otherwise. And why would they. They ought to be commended for their commitment, even if we cannot agree with them.

The counsel of the years commends us to be kind to people and be harsher on ourselves. If we can take responsibility for what we should now, then we will have fewer regrets later, when we are left with what we are left with. Through the compassion of kindness we are eternally blessed, but through a short-sighted stinginess based in laziness we miss opportunities we never knew we missed.

The counsel of the years makes meaning for life when we might worry that we suffer in vain. Only through the counsel of years can see that God can rebuild anything, and that many rebuilds are classic innovations of divinity that not only resurrect but ascend, too. Suffering is so often the gateway to life we never thought would ever come again. Suffering can often produce something that was never ours beforehand. Suffering reinvents us, but only through the counsel of the years.

The counsel of the years places importance on those things that are hard but worthwhile instead of those things that provide pleasure but are fleeting. It is hard to eat for health, yet the reward is redeemed as the years unveil favour.

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Taking wisely the counsel of the years is the perspective later we wish we had now.

Truth never fails to arrive right on time. Taking wisely the counsel of the years banks on the appearance of truth at the right time.

Looking to the lives of others is one way we can learn to be our best selves.

Insight comes through the counsel of the years. Things as they come to be aren’t always as they seem now. Truth is a pariah until it comes. The truth makes fools out of us all.

We make all sorts of bullish decisions knowing full well we have no idea what we do not know now.

Take wisely the counsel of the years.

 

This entry was posted on May 10, 2016.

12 Reasons Other People’s Distance Is Not About You

“THEY don’t like me!” That was how I would so often think when I was in school. “They don’t approve of what I do,” is also another thing I imagined my managers doing, when I was in the workplace, especially when I was young and in the party scene. “They don’t like what I write,” is sometimes a refrain that goes through my head when friends ‘ignore’ what I do. But all of these attitudes demonstrate cataclysmic assumption.

People’s perceived distance is generally nothing to do with us, ourselves.
Our perceptions, riding on the coattails of assumption, wear what our imaginations dress themselves in. And yet our minds have the capacity to check for truth (2 Corinthians 10:5).

Here are only twelve reasons we might be wrong about why people appear distant:

1. They have their own problems we don’t know about. They may not share, not because they don’t trust us. There are dozens of reasons why they may not be able to share. Pray for them.

2. They don’t have the energy. They may want to engage with us, but fear they don’t have the capacity to give what they want to the conversation.

3. They may not think we can help. And they are possibly right. We can’t be everything to everyone.

4. They might not even perceive that we’ve perceived that there’s a distance. They might be shocked to learn what we are thinking. Going to engage with them might be all that’s needed.

5. We might be perceived by them as being the distant one. What a tragedy it is when we think people are moving away from us, when, in fact, they are only responding to the fact that we have withdrawn emotionally from them. When we present as open and affectionate people respond. We are mirrors of each other in the social dynamic.

6. We might be seeing the wrong thing. Things are not always as they appear. We might be loading our own baggage onto the situation.

7. Our goals might just be misaligned. Sometimes we are just not on the same page as others, and, as mature adults, we can only accept this. Yet we may not have acknowledged this.

8. Perhaps they are distant, but not for the reason we think. It is even more important to check – in the friendliest way we can – if our perception of emotional distance is real. We rarely really know. Only if we communicate can we know. Only if we go there with a heart to listen do we stand to learn.

9. They may just be distracted. Nobody who is close to us can focus on us all the time. Indeed, it’s a fallacy borne of insecurity to think the world revolves around us. We may think this in our heads, but can we live it in our hearts?

10. They don’t know we want intimacy. They might not have perceived we are interested to the degree in them that we are. This is particularly pertinent in romantic attractions. Make it clear what you want. You can only be rejected. And, even if you are, at least you know where you stand. But you may also be embraced.

11. They may not know how to approach us. Whether it’s a particular issue they’re not sure about, or whether they’re just not able to approach in general, the point is made; we might be the ones who have set up the barrier.

12. They are just enjoying some timeout. It’s a thing we all need; timeout. We all need some alone-time to re-establish our bearings for life. They may just be taking a breaking; they may even be taking a break from us.

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Rick Warren’s Purpose Drive Life book opens with the line, “It’s not about you.” Life is not about you. It’s not about me. It’s not about us. It’s about God. And the Lord is doing something in the distance we perceive between ourselves and others. He wants us to perceive the relational distance as bad, because it is! A lack of intimacy in important relationships is destructive. A lack of intimacy between friends separates allies. A lack of intimacy between enemies is also bad; while it lasts there’s no chance of reconciliation. A lack of intimacy between strangers is to be expected, but it is a follower of Jesus who can change that. Their desire is that intimacy might be their calling card; that nobody would ever feel alone in their presence; that, to know them is to have encountered Jesus in the flesh.

Intimacy is good for this one reason: we give to another the real us in a way that invites them to give them the real them.

Love finds itself expressed through intimacy. Where we reach toward a person we can expect them, generally speaking, to eventually reach toward us. Intimacy is where love finds its faculty and all relational boundaries might be disintegrated in the name of Christ.

 

This entry was posted on May 5, 2016.