Archive | June 2016

Mantra For Happiness: Acceptance of Imperfection in Others, And No Expectations!

images (5)1. We all want happiness. Happiness is a state of mind, during our journey of life. We need to achieve it in our daily life. It is not the goal of our life, which we will discover in the end.

* Mathematically, Happiness = (Number of fulfilled desires)/(Total number of fulfilled and unfulfilled desires). How can we increase our happiness? Increase the numerator or decrease the denominator.

* Oriental philosophy is: Be contented always and cut down the number of unfulfilled desires.

* In the West, the philosophy is: To be happy, work hard and achieve, your desires. If we can satisfy more desires, we will be more happy in life.

The key words are: Acceptance, Imperfections, and Expectations.

Acceptance

2. A friend, sibling, spouse, or an in-law can embarrass a person in public or in private over a minor issue: a missed etiquette, imperfect table manners, slouchy gait, laziness, monetary issues, and non-conformity with prevalent social norms. The victim is hurt, and keeps quiet; but remembers the incident for ever and is mentally perturbed.

3. Acceptance means:

(a) Accepting the imperfect behavior of a friend, spouse, or sibling as a past occurrence, with no impact on future; but conveying them of your unhappiness on their impoliteness.

(b) If the friend takes offense, when you convey your unhappiness, it is better to avoid the friend in future. As it isn’t possible to avoid siblings or spouse, we need to avoid such situations tactfully, by diverting the discussion.

(c) Finally, learn to forgive and forget. It ensures a stable mind in harmony, which sends positive vibrations around; otherwise a stressed mind continues to send negative vibrations, after having received unfriendly comments.

(d) People carry their hatred in their minds, till death. It is unproductive, and destroys the peace of mind and harmony in relationships. The paradox is: The victim or who is hurt emotionally, is full of anger, hatred, and is sulking for decades, and the friend or relation who commented, the indiscreet remark, is relaxed, having forgotten, the episode.

(e) Humanity is full of such victims, who refuse to move forward, to forgive and forget. Thus we all suffer, on this count. Nobody is willing to shed the hatred, as if it is a treasure worth preserving.

* Acceptance does not mean, we have to tolerate the offensive comments when ever, these are made. Acceptance means to accept the hurts or comments with no ill will feelings – hatred, anger, and ego clash; and let it go – not carrying forward. There after, the mind is cool and stable.

Imperfections

* Let’s learn to accept an individual as he or she is – with imperfections. We are all different. It does not mean that some of us are right and others are wrong. A person may be untidy, but efficient otherwise. Accept him as he is. We all can be different and yet all can be right. Subconsciously, we compare ourselves with others all the time – social status, thoughts, and capabilities. We are elated, when we feel we are superior. Happiness based on comparison is never permanent. Etiquette demands we should not laugh at others, we should laugh with others.

* There is too much emphasis on tangible actions – smart appearance, ability to handle goons, ability to spend more – and too little is said about intangible traits – honesty, humility, and kindness – of an individual.

Expectations

* We expect from our parents, spouse, siblings, children, friends, and in-laws: acknowledgements, thanks, and basic courtesy. We expect sharing the life and its memories with spouse, children, parents, daughter-in-law or son-in-law. A spouse may be too possessive, rigid in the behaviour, and has certain expectations. It may not work out amicably with other spouse.

The solution is Accept the imperfections, without any expectations.

The problems

* It is not easy to forget and forgive. It is the main cause of lack of harmony in relationships. My father who is 93 years, forgets my name, but he still remembers clearly his fights in weekly progress meetings 4 decades ago, with his colleagues.

* We all offer unsolicited advice. We can advise, but we can’t change the people. We can only influence them, that too, only if we follow our own advice.

* When born, we are all Godly, pure souls. Our soul is conditioned, due to ego, hatred, and anger. We differentiate God-made relations – parents, siblings, children – and man-made relations – spouse, and in-laws. Our souls are no longer pure. We must accept the reality, that we are all more attached to our God-made relations.

* Let’s accept the imperfection in the spouse happily, for every individual is imperfect. A search for a perfect spouse is an hypothetical, utopian activity. A search for a better spouse for second marriage is victory for hope, over reality. if you feel you can find a better alternative, remember: all human beings are imperfect, only God is perfect. Try marrying God.

 

When We Say We Know People, We Really Just Know the Outline

images (4)Just imagine what it would be like to really, truly know someone: to understand what makes a person tick, to recognize another’s strengths and foibles, to walk around in someone else’s skin. Well, the more I think about this, the more horrifying the idea becomes. In many ways I hardly know myself as I discover secrets and mental meanderings, hidden talents and special weaknesses each minute of the day. Every moment is an adventure as I learn and discover something new about my internal tickings, I cannot envision the psychological overload that would come with knowing someone one else in a 100% capacity. And thus the proposal that we really just know an outline of another person, but why is this so?

First, every experience every day is unique to the individual. Two friends may be at the same place at the same time to observe an event, but each will interpret the sight based on personal outlook, experience, and interpretation. This is one way to explain how two children born into the same family, with the same parents and genetic background can be so different in looks, behavior, attitude, physical ability, and every other aspect of being human. Even identical twins that are said to have a special interconnectedness that surpasses explanation are different in subtle ways. They have genetic make-up that matches but emotional and internal make-up that resonates in an individual way.

Second, life guides us in a variety of directions and thus into a assortment of viewpoints when surveying a scene or making a critical decision. Our perceptions vary and so do our points-of-view. Even people who appear to agree on everything select different courses and paths from time to time and perhaps very often. Lock-step life would be pretty dull and unadventurous. I don’t think that perfect synchrony would lead to happiness because I do believe that diversity adds zest and joy.

A third factor that does not allow us to truly know another is that we are not in control, other than if the friend is robotic or an automaton. I can barely control my own thoughts and emotions and so I cannot even picture being the domineering force over someone else. I guess the closest I have come to this is in childrearing, however, even that has many twists and turns that do not permit me to truly know my children. I have offered guidance and supervision, my viewpoint and ideology, and I have tried to set a positive example in my attitude and in my behavior, but then it is up to them to use, apply, and discard as suits their individual wants and needs.

Even though we may purport to know people, when it comes to the deep-down soul searching for understanding, we really just know the outline. I know my co-workers at work but I do not know them in their homes. I know my spouse when we are together but I do not know every aspect of his thinking even then and after 40+ years and I cannot precisely determine his thoughts, actions, or reactions. I know my children, but then again I do not and the same holds true for family and friends. But I rather like the outline visualization because it adds magic and wonder to relationships. Change and adjustment are excellent tools for maintaining brainpower and so I am thrilled at the prospect of getting to know others better, but never in a total capacity.

 

This entry was posted on June 20, 2016.

Are You His Friend Or His Lover?

download (14)You meet a really great man and you feel an instant bond between the two of you. As each day passes, you can just feel the attraction between you and you know that this relationship is definitely different. While you feel more and more drawn to him, you being to notice a problem that eats into you – he continues to treat you as a friend.

There are times you see that spark in his eyes and there are times at which his actions tell you that you are special. However, most of the time, you are treated as just a friend. Or it could be that he goes to the point of telling you that he loves you, but when it comes to actions, you are not treated as a lover, but just as friend.

You spend a lot of time wondering why he might be treating you this way, and you try to justify his actions and your reactions. Well, there are some reasons why a man might treat you as a friend and not as a lover.

He Is Afraid To Express His Feelings

One reason why a man might treat you as a friend even if he loves you is because he is afraid to express his feelings. Fear of rejection, fear of failure and fear of being unable to make you happy could lead to a man treating you just as a friend and not as a lover, even if he really loves you. If this is the case, then he needs time to deal with his fears and take your relationship to the next level.

He Is Not Sure Of What He Feels

At times it could take a man ages to really be sure of what he feels for you. Granted, he might feel strongly attracted to you. However, he may need some time to analyse his feelings and be sure that he does love you. If this is the case, then you might find yourself being treated as just a friend, despite there being “signs” that he loves you. If a man is not too sure of what he feels, he might want to take things slow until he can be sure that he can commit to a relationship with you.

He Is Taking You For Granted

There are times when a man might love you but might be taking you for granted. Treating you with love is a basic need of yours, and if he fails to fulfil that need because of just being disinterested in what matters to you, then he might be taking you for granted. There are times when your man might get so comfortable with the attention that you lavish on him that he fails to care much about you. Being taken for granted is not an easy thing to deal with and can hurt a lot.

He Is Bored

Over time, a relationship can get into a rut where you might be so comfortable in the relationship that you stop putting forth the same effort as you did at first to keep your man interested. If a man becomes bored in a relationship, he might begin to treat you as just a friend. Men like to stay interested in a relationship and when it reaches a point where there is nothing new and things just become the same way day after day, he might tend to lose interest and treat you as a friend, even if deep in his heart he knows that he loves you dearly.

You Are Just A Friend To Him

The final reason could be that, in reality, all that you are to him is a friend. He might be quite fond of you, but the end of the matter might be that he doesn’t view you as anything more than a friend. If this is the case, then nothing you do can change things. While there is nothing wrong in hoping that he might change, if you are nothing more than a friend to him, you can’t really change the way he feels.

While there are a number of reasons why a man might treat you like a friend and not a lover, the reason for each man might be different. Give him some time and observe him to see whether this is just a passing phase or whether he really views you as nothing more than a friend. If all you are is a friend to him, then you need to make a choice as to whether you can view him, too, as just a friend, or whether you would need to back out of the relationship completely.

 

This entry was posted on June 12, 2016.

We Are All Faceless Entities in The World, Sooner or Later

download (13)Man is a social animal. Is he scared of loneliness? A social get-together is no cure for loneliness. We often feel lonely in a crowd. We are all faceless entities, after death. Even God is faceless. Within a family, we may know the names of our grandparents, but most of us don’t know the names of our great-grandparents. Millions of Kings have reigned all over the earth, since evolution of man-kind. Who remembers them? They all are faceless entities. Socializing within humanity implies interaction between two imperfect persons. It is vulnerable to ego clashes, separations, divorces, and frequent changes. Socializing with God is more fruitful, as He will always hold our hand, under all circumstances.

Faceless social entities

Man is a social animal.

He is a scared animal, as a lonely person.

Is a social person, less lonely?

Loneliness is an intangible feeling.

A social person is often lonely in a social get-together.

A not-so-social person, if alone, is self-reliant and less lonely.

The issue is not: whether a person is social or unsocial.

It is – whether a person is lonely or not lonely!

Notwithstanding the above,

We are all faceless entities, sooner or later.

Time is a big bulldozer which obliterates all: pleasant and unpleasant memories in the mind of a person,

And the person!

In death, he is: just a name with faceless entity, or just forgotten.

VIPs

There must have been millions of VIPs, and Kings till date.

Where are they?

Who remembers them?

They are all – just a name with faceless entity

Nobody is indispensable

The bigwigs, and respected names of past,

Who were indispensable, in their times,

The World worried – ‘After Him Who’!

The World has moved on.

Soon they may exist in school text books only, at the mercy of political bosses.

We all, step into oblivion

Do you remember the name of your grandfather?

Likely answer is yes.

Do you remember the name of your great-grandfather?

Likely answer – no!

As we try to remember earlier generations,

They are all faceless entities, even if there is a name and a picture.

To remember the great-grandfathers and earlier generations, feudal lords and Kings relied upon oil-paintings.

Commoners could not afford the luxury.

A family example

In my family, I didn’t see my paternal grandfather.

I have vivid memories of my maternal grandfather.

But my children have no idea about them.

They ignore my story-telling about them, as irrelevant.

My grandson has seen my father and mother, when he was 2 years old.

In the near future, he is not likely to meet my father, his great-grandfather who is 93 years.

I am the link between the two, who knows all the 4 generations intimately: my parents, me and my wife, my children and my grandchildren.

Why should a great-grandfather share life with his great-grandchildren?

It is an emotional family bondage, to the elderly, but not to the grandchildren or great-grandchildren, when they are in their youth.

Grandparents existence doesn’t matter in any way to the grandchildren or great-grandchildren.

They hardly share life, and even any meaningful communication.

There is a superficial one-sided family relationship, which lingers in the minds of grandparents.

Marriage and families

God didn’t create families.

He gave an upper edge to humanity, over animal kingdom – an ability to think logically.

Families, and marriage are creative ideas of human civilization.

That the ideas are boon or bane, is debatable.

Animals don’t marry, so there are no divorces.

There are no long-term relations as a father or a son, among animals.

Animals never have: heart problems, diabetes, or high or low BP.

Animals don’t indulge in World Wars, over control of markets and colonial rules.

They kill to satisfy the hunger, as a God-ordained instinct.

They don’t create Auschwitz.

Socialize with God

A friendship with God, is always unconditional.

There is never a divorce, with Him.

Even atheists, seek Him, sometime or other in their lives, albeit secretly.

He is always considerate, unlike human beings.

He always forgives, and gives another chance even to hardened criminals.

If only, humanity could learn to forget and forgive!

If you have faith in God, you will never be lonely.

God never leaves you for other social circles, like human beings,

Who feel uncomfortable due to excessive familiarity, after couple of years,

And seek fresh friends and sometimes, even a new spouse.

Life is a struggle to win over loneliness.

We make friends, and change friends; marry, and divorce to marry again.

There is a life long battle to win loneliness.

We are all imperfect, and seek a solution by associating with another imperfect.

Try socializing with God, who alone is a perfect entity.

You will never be lonely, there after.

 

This entry was posted on June 6, 2016 and tagged , .