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Relationships: Why Are People Who Act Superior Attracted To People Who Act Inferior?

download (8)In a relationship were each person is at the same level, one person is not going to see themselves as being above the other. This is not to say that each person is at the same level materially, for instance, but this is not going to affect the amount of respect they have for each other.

Abuse

As a result of this, this is not going to be a relationship were any kind of abuse takes place. If one person is not doing very well in a certain area of their life or if they are going through a bad patch, they are not going to be looked down upon.

The other person may ask them if they can do anything to help or simply be there to listen to them. Through this, they are not placing themselves above the other person; they are just being present.

Alternatively

If one person’s life is on the rise or they have recently achieved something significant, there will be no need for the other person to place them on a pedestal. Even if this causes them to experience jealousy or to reflect on their own life for a short time, the whole dynamic of the relationship won’t need to alter.

What this will come down to is that each person is on their own path and no matter what they are going through at any given moment, they have both come into the world in the same way and they will go out in the same way. In each moment, one person may come across as superior or inferior but this is simply the result of the minds tendency to label what it sees.

Inner Experience

And while this is what can happen externally, their internal world is also likely to match up. This is not to say that they won’t have moments where they feel superior or inferior; what it means it that they are not going to identify with these inner states.

So if one’s friend is going through a ‘bad’ patch, for instance, they are not going to view the other person as incapable. And if one’s friend is going through a ‘good’ patch, for instance, they are not going to come to the conclusion that the other person is better than them.

Conscious Relationship

Another way of looking at this would be to say that this is what can happen when two people have a conscious relationship. And as has been mentioned above, feelings of superiority and inferiority may arise, but the difference is that each person is not going to allow these feelings to define what happens in their relationship.

It would be easy to say that such feelings don’t arise in a relationship where two people are ‘conscious’, but then this would create the idea that human beings can be perfect. The difference here is that each person will be open to what arises on one hand and willing to work through what arises on the other.

Out of Touch

However, when one is not aware of what is taking place within them, they can end up being attracted to people who act as though they are inferior. Yet, if one is in touch with what is taking place within then, they can end up being attracted to people who act as though they are superior.

This is because if one feels inferior, they can either go to the opposite extreme or they can end up being overwhelmed by how they feel. When one goes to the other end of the spectrum, they are likely to come across as though they are better than others, and if they get caught up in how they feel, they can come across as though they are less-than others.

The Attraction

If one feels superior to others, they are going to feel the need to have people around them who feel inferior as this will validate their sense of superiority. In this case, the people around them will give them the kind of feedback they desire.

When one feels inferior, they are going to be drawn to people who act superior and this is because they will validate how they see themselves. The people they have in their life will treat them in a way that matches up with their self-image.

The Same Level

However, appearances are deceiving, and while each person appears to be in a different position, they are both coming from the same place at a deeper level. The person who feels superior is attracted to the person who feels inferior because they remind them of what they have disconnected from.

Whereas, the person who feels inferior looks up to the person who feels superior because it gives them someone to identify with, and through this, they are able to experience a sense of worth. Yet, all the time the relationship stays the same, it is not going to be possible for them to realise their value and for the other person to come back down to earth.

Stuck

So unless each person is willing to not only face how they feel but to work through it, they will continue to play out the same dynamic. When one has the need to act superior or comes across as inferior, it is likely to mean that they are carrying toxic shame.

This is not an inner experience that is easy to face, and this is why one can end up doing everything they can to avoid it. When this takes place, it is normal for one to come across as though they are more-than human.

Awareness

In order for one move beyond this, it will be important for them to get in touch with how they feel and to work through it. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or support group.

Prolific writer, thought leader and coach, Oliver JR Cooper hails from the United Kingdom. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation; love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With over seven hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice. Current projects include “A Dialogue With The Heart” and “Communication Made Easy.”

 

Relationships: Is It Important To Take Responsibility For How We Feel?

images (3)If one was to think about someone they appreciate, there is a strong chance that they will end up feeling ‘good’. Yet, if they were to think about someone who presses their buttons, for instance, they are unlikely to have the same emotional experience.

And when they feel good, there is not much chance of them wanting to blame the other person for how they feel. However, this is not necessarily going to be the case when it comes to the emotional experience they have when they don’t feel this way.

Pleasure Seekers

Human beings want to feel good, and as a result of this, they will often go out of their way to experience pleasure. So when one spends their time around someone who they enjoy being around, they are not going to tell the other person to change their behaviour.

This may happen if they were to change and one no longer felt the same way around them. But in most cases, they are not going to have the need to tell the other person to ‘stop making me feel this way’.

On The Other Side

If, on the other hand, someone doesn’t feel ‘good’ when they are around someone, they may end up blaming them for how they feel. This can relate to someone they spend a lot of time with or it may relate to someone they see on the odd occasion.

How they feel when they are around them has then got nothing to do with them, and it can then be normal for them to see the other person as the cause. What is going in within them is then irrelevant, and there is no need for them to engage in any kind of self-reflection.

Validation

One way for them to gain support for their outlook and to prove that how they feel has nothing to do with them, is to gain support from others. These people can then validate what is taking place and tell them that it has nothing to do with them.

As a result of this support, there is then no reason for them to take responsibility for how they feel. But while they may get to be ‘right’, it is not going to give them the chance to see if they are playing a part in what is happening.

Another Perspective

However, there is always the chance that they will come across someone who responds to them in a different way. When this happens, they may encourage them to go inside and to see why they feel as they do.

And if they were to do this, they may start to understand why they feel as they do when they are around the other person. This is not to say that how they feel is ‘wrong’, but it will give them a chance to take responsibility for how they feel.

Disconnected

When someone is in touch with their thoughts and emotions, it will make it easier for them to see why they feel the way they do. If they don’t have this connection, their emotions may appear to be the result of what is taking place externally.

It is then not going to be possible for them to see if what is taking place within them is playing a part in how they feel. Their attention will be placed on what someone else has said or done.

Two Parts

And while it is important to look into what is taking place on the outside, it is also important to look into what is take place on the inside. If one only looks at what is taking place externally, they will end up feeling like a victim.

Yet, if they only look at what is taking place within them and don’t reflect on what is taking place on the outside, they will also be out of balance. Instead of being in a position they are avoiding responsibility, they will be in a position where they are taking too much responsibility.

Responsibility

For example: if one feels angry, they could blame the other person or they could take their time to think about why they feel as they do. And instead of telling the other person that they make them feel angry, they can say they feel angry when they do or say something.

The first approach is likely to make the other person defensive, and if this happens on a regular basis, they may start to experience resentment. The other person may continue to be there physically, but they may start to emotionally disconnect from them.

The Second Approach

When they take the second approach, there is less chance of the other person being defensive. This is because one is not blaming them for how they feel; they are simply pointing out how they feel when something takes place.

There is then no need for the other person to experience resentment and it will be easier for them to maintain their emotional connection. In order for one to take this approach they will need to be in touch with how they feel and to own their emotional experience.

Growth

Through taking responsibility for how they feel as opposed to blaming others, it will give them the chance to grow and to work through the problems they have with others. Blaming others may allow then to feel better in the short-term, but it won’t allow them to grow and it is likely to have a negative effect on their relationships.

Awareness

It one finds it difficult to own their emotional experience, this may be a sign that they haven’t developed boundaries and that they have an emotional build-up. Through letting go of their emotional build up, they will start to develop a sense of self.

They will then be able to see where they begin and end and where other people begin and end. This is something that can take place with the assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.

Prolific writer, thought leader and coach, Oliver JR Cooper hails from the United Kingdom. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation; love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With over seven hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice. Current projects include “A Dialogue With The Heart” and “Communication Made Easy.”

 

Relationships: Why Do Some People Shame Others For Being Vulnerable?

imagesWhile there are some people who embrace their inherent vulnerability, there are others who do everything they can to come across as invulnerable. This is not to say that these are the only options available, as there are likely to be people who alternate between the two.

There will then be moments where they will be able to be authentic and moments where they will cover up how they truly feel. How they behave can all depend how they feel, who they are with and what the context is.

Connection

When someone doesn’t feel the need to hide what is really going on for them, it will allow other people to feel connected to them. This is because they will be able to relate to them, and this may also encourage them to open up.

Through this, one’s need to experience intimacy will also be fulfilled and their relationships are going to be more fulfilling as a result. It will be important for one to share what is going on for them with the right people though.

Trust

If one has come to see that they can trust someone, it will be easier for them to open up and this is because they will feel safe. And while this doesn’t mean that one can’t show up in everyday life, there are going to be certain things that they will only want to share with the right people.

The people they open up to are also likely to be people who share their life with them. This will stop the relationship from being out of balance and it will enable real intimacy to take place.

Intimacy

When the word ‘intimacy’ is mentioned, it can cause people to think about sex. However, while sex can be part of intimacy, there is a lot more to intimacy than sex, and this means that one can be intimate without having sex.

Ultimately, it comes down to one sharing who they really are and what is really taking place for them, and when this happens, one is being vulnerable. They don’t need to share their body with someone; they only need to share their inner world with them.

Friends and Family

This is why intimacy can take place with one’s friends and family and not just with their life partner or lover, for instance. To experience intimacy with a number of people will be far more fulfilling than it will be to just experience it with one person.

It could be said that there is more chance of one being intimate with their friends than there is with their family, and this is because they can choose their friends. It might not be possible for them to open up when it comes to their family, but they should be able to when it comes to their friends.

Reality

However, one may find that it is not possible for them to be real when it comes to the people in their life. Or if this is not something that relates to everyone, it may relate to one person in their life.

During those moments when they do share what is going on for them, they might end up being put down in some way. They can then hide how they feel and put on an act or they can be real and end up being mentally and emotionally violated in the process

Two Reasons

The reason one is experiencing this could be because they don’t value themselves, and this is then why they put up with this kind of behaviour. Yet, there is also the chance that they have only just started to have these experiences and this may be a sign that they have changed.

In the past, they may have hidden their true feelings, and now that they have changed, it is causing the other person to feel uncomfortable. If one was to act invulnerable and to cover up their true-self, the other person is likely to return to how they behaved before.

Negative Effect

Regardless of whether the other person has always been this way or if they have suddenly changed, it shows that one’s vulnerability is having a ‘negative’ effect on them. It might be possible for them to understand why this is, but then again, they might not know why they feel they the way they do.

Shaming other people for being vulnerable is then a way for them to manage what is taking place within them. Therefore, the problem is not that other people are vulnerable; it is that their vulnerability triggers something within them that they don’t want to face.

A Deep Wound

There is a strong chance that they were also shamed for being vulnerable at one point in their life. And because of how painful this was for them, they feel the need to do everything they can to hide their vulnerability from others.

They are going to believe that it is not safe for them to be vulnerable, and this is why they may have developed a hard shell around themselves. If they were wounded during their childhood years, for instance, they might not even realise that they are out of touch with their vulnerability, and therefore, their true-self.

Normal

In is then how they have been for many, many years and it is then going to be normal for them to believe that this is who they really are. In order for them to embrace their true-self, they will need to change their outlook.

Awareness

This can take place through changing what is taking place in their mind, but if this doesn’t work, this may mean that they need to take a look at what is taking place at a deeper level. These early experiences may have caused them to experience a lot of emotional pain and this pain may have stayed trapped in their body.

The pain that has remained trapped in their body can be processed with assistance of a therapist and/or a support group.

Prolific writer, thought leader and coach, Oliver JR Cooper hails from the United Kingdom. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation; love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With over seven hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice. Current projects include “A Dialogue With The Heart” and “Communication Made Easy.”

 

Relationships: Why Do Some Women Fear Intimacy?

downloadEven though a woman wants to be in an intimate relationship, it doesn’t mean that this takes place. However, while there will be some women who realise that this is because they fear intimacy, there are going to be others who are unaware of why they are unable to experience it.

In the first case, they may believe that it is because of what is taking place within them, and in the other case, they may believe that it’s because of what is taking place externally. If they believe that is relates to what is taking place within them, it is likely to be more empowering than if they were to believe it is because of what is taking place externally.

Hopeless

However, if these two scenarios are put to one side for the time being, it is going to be incredibly frustrating to live life in this way, and they are likely to end up feeling hopeless. On one side, they have the need to be intimate, and on the other, this need is not being fulfilled.

This doesn’t mean they won’t have close friends or have moments when they do experience intimacy with the sex that they are sexually attracted to. But what it is likely to mean is that this is not going to be an experience that is going to last and the intimacy that they experience with their friends is not going to be enough.

Unavailable

If one is aware of their fear of intimacy, it is not going to be much of a surprise if they attract someone who is unavailable. They will know that they are a reflection of them, and there is then going to be less chance of them blaming the other person.

When one is not aware of their fear of intimacy, it can be even harder for them to handle another person who is unavailable. This can then be taken as another sign that they are never going to have what they need and they can feel as though the world is against them.

Available

Yet, this is not to say that they won’t attract people who are available; but when this happens, there are going to be other reasons why they are not ‘compatible’. They may say that they are not their type or they may meet them whilst they are on holiday, for instance.

In this case, they are a good match but they live too far away, and while they may be happy to travel to see them, it is not going to match up with what they need. Having said that, there is also the chance that the distance is not a problem and this may be what feels comfortable, at least for a while.

Short-Lived

As they look back on their life, they may see that they have been in a number of intimate relationships. If they take a closer look, they may see that these relationships lasted for a certain amount of time and there may have been a pattern when it comes to why they came to an end.

Perhaps they felt as though the other person wasn’t a suitable or that they changed their mind and no longer wanted to settle down. The other person may have started to pull away just as their relationship was starting to go in the right direction.

Dating

Through being in an intimate relationship and having what they say they want, they may find it hard to understand why part of them wants to go with others. In the beginning, they say they want one thing, and after getting what they want, they say they want the complete opposite.

This doesn’t mean they will leave the relationships though, as it could cause them to hold onto their relationship and to go with others at the same time. When this happens, their need to expedience security is being fulfilled on the one side and their need to experience ‘freedom’ is being fulfilled on the other.

The Story

There is takes place in the external world and there is what occurs in one’s mind and the feelings they experience in their body. Each of these factors is often seen as what makes up the story of one’s life.

The reason the word ‘story’ is used is because one’s life is not fixed; it doesn’t have to be the way it is. Yet, in order for one’s life to change, it will be important for them to change.

A Deeper Level

So whether one is aware of their fear of intimacy or not, there is going to be a reason why they stop themselves from experiencing it. At a deeper level, they are not going to feel safe with intimacy, and until they feel that it is safe for them to experience intimacy, they are not going to allow themselves to truly experience it.

There is likely to have been a time in their life where their boundaries were not respected and this would have caused them to be smothered, and if they were not smothered, they may have been neglected and this would have caused them to feel abandoned. As a result of this, getting close to another person will be seen as something that will cause them to lose themselves or for their life to end.

The Years Go By

This is something they may have experienced during their beginning of their life and although the years may have passed, it is still defining their life. Intellectually, they might not remember what happened, but their body still remembers and this is all that matters.

Childhood

What they were aware of during their childhood years may have become what they have no awareness of during their adult years. During this time, being smothered would have been overwhelming, and as one couldn’t protect themselves they may have felt as though they were being annihilated.

Being abandoned at this time would have felt as though one was going to die, and this is because they would have had the ability to regulate their emotions. Through having these kinds of experiences, it is going to be normal for them to fear intimacy.

Awareness

To move beyond this challenge, it will be important for one to look at what is taking place within them and let go of the past that has remained within them. This may involve changing beliefs and mourning unmet childhood needs, among other things.

The assistance of a therapist and/or some kind of support group may be needed here. What matters here is that one reaches out for support and doesn’t suffer in silence.

Prolific writer, thought leader and coach, Oliver JR Cooper hails from the United Kingdom. His insightful commentary and analysis covers all aspects of human transformation; love, partnership, self-love, and inner awareness. With over seven hundred in-depth articles highlighting human psychology and behavior, Oliver offers hope along with his sound advice. Current projects include “A Dialogue With The Heart” and “Communication Made Easy.”

 

This entry was posted on February 1, 2016 and tagged .